Three common things

What color is the dress? Do you hear Yanny or Laurel? Is Trump racist? These things actually have something in common. Slate.com posted about why people were seeing the dress as two different colors: “Even outside of vision scientists, most people just assume everyone sees the world in the same way. Which is why it’s awkward when disagreements arise— it suggests one party either is ignorant, is malicious, has an agenda, or is crazy. We believe what we see with our own eyes more than almost anything else, which may explain the feuds that occurred when “the dress” first struck and science lacked a clear explanation for what was happening.” Chicago Tribune said about how we hear, “It turns out, sound is specific to individuals. We are not all ears; there’s also some brain. While our ears allow us to hear, our brains tell us what we hear, or rather, what we interpret we hear…” Sound “is not just happening in the ear, but also somewhere in your brain,” Fishman said. “Basic information is recorded and sent to the brain by the ear,” said Fishman, who said he was Team Yanny. “Somewhere up in those cognitive areas, we add our own interpretation. “Some people have more hearing in some frequencies than others,” he added. “That shapes and molds (sound) into what we’re listening to.” When Trump speaks, some people hear racist comments. Others hear a great man speaking. Dara Lind for Vox.com said it is probably “because Trump has spent his entire three years in national politics saying things that sound racist to a lot of people,” and then we all “argue about whether that’s the fault of the person speaking those words or the people hearing them.” So is it the fault of the speaker or the fault of the hearer? Dara Lind goes on to say that our President often riffs. “His comments in unscripted settings often fail to follow any obvious train of thought; he often goes off on tangents and rehashes old riffs; he often fails to demonstrate an understanding of the actual policies being discussed. This is why “what did he mean” is so often an open question. But because he’s the president of the United States, ambiguous statements can’t be left ambiguous — they’re going to acquire whatever meaning people can make from them, based on their existing understanding of what kind of person the president is.” I see the dress as blue. I hear “Laurel.” I only heard my grandfather use the “N” word once in my lifetime. I don’t think my grandfather was racist. I think it was because of when he lived and how the world “saw” black people. I have heard great men speak. I have seen great men act. I leave it to you to decide what color you hear. [Emphasis mine] http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2017/04/here_s_why_people_saw_the_dress_differently.html http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/ct-life-yanny-laurel-science-hearing-20180517-story.html https://www.vox.com/2018/5/18/17368716/trump-animals-immigrants-illegal

The Big G

How can I be fine one moment and sobbing the next?

My brain says, "He's not dead."  That thought keeps the sadness away for a moment.

When will I feel "normal"?

How can I be so sad and yet live life?

It has been 5 months since Brannon's funeral.

Even when I am not thinking about him, I am thinking about him.

Grief.
Mental suffering, agony, anguish, , bereavement, despair, discomfort, gloom, heartache, heartbreak, melancholy, misery, trial, tribulation, vexation, wretchedness, bemoaning, bewailing, deploring, lamenting, repining, mourning, pain, regret, remorse, sadness, sorrow, trouble, unhappiness, woe, worry, affliction, care, dejection, depression, desolation, despondency, disquiet, distress, dole, dolor, grievance, lamentation, malaise, mournfulness, purgatory, rue, torture.

Peace.

Hope.

Love.

Memories.

Laughter.

Smiles.

Hugs.

Sadness.

Pain.

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Grief...

Yesterday was five months.  Five months since our worlds were rocked with grief.

I enjoy the days that my brain thinks that Brannon is not dead.  My heart enjoys those days also.  But then the grief hits.

Grief Continued

I wish the numb would return.  Now the new normal for me is crying whenever, wherever.  School, stores, car, church, restaurants.

Grief

My son passed away.  He died on December 8, 2016 from a seizure.  He was 21 years old.  His name is Brannon.

I miss his hugs.  I miss the way he said, "Mom."  It sounded like a sheep.  I miss his laugh.  I miss him.

He had lived in Utah for two months, staying with my parents until he found full time work and worked on becoming an adult.    On November 29, my mother-in-law died.  My husband flew out on December 1 to Utah and my daughter and I flew out on that Saturday.  We spent Sunday, Monday and Tuesday with family and with Brannon.

He was helping clean out Grandma Amott's house.  He would stand by me and look down into my face.  He would hug me.  He teased his sister.  He got to know his cousins and aunts and uncles who my kids didn't know because we had moved to Minnesota and because my mother-in-law made visiting and getting to know family really hard.

After the funeral on Tuesday, December 6th, we ate lunch at the church.  Kelly, Dara and I had to leave early to get to the airport to fly home.  I asked Bran if he wanted to stay and visit with family when we left.  He thought about it and then looked at me and said, "No, I want to say goodbye to my family."  Did he know?  Did he feel that things were going to change?

How to forgive?

How do I forgive someone when they are dying?  Is it a death bed forgiveness?  Does it make it easier for them to die?  Or does she really even care that she hurt me so much over the years with her manipulation and mean words and unspoken rules that I kept breaking?  Should I ask for forgiveness because I have been angry at her for what she did to my husband when he was a child?  Does it matter that my marriage and life could have been different if she had treated her son different than she did?

I know I need to forgive.  I have been carrying this bitterness and anger toward her for years.  I feel I have tried.  I tried to be "The Best Daughter-in-Law in the World" for years.  I inserted a suppository into her when she was ill.  I cleaned her poopy adult diapers and made her food that she hated because she wouldn't tell me how she wanted it.  I have kept my mouth shut when she would say things that were rude.  I feel that I allowed her to ruin my relationships with my sisters-in-law because I let her say mean things about each of them and never found out if she was actually telling the truth. I said nothing to her when my husband was putting  new roof on her house the day before I went into labor and the next week after I had the baby.  It is not nice when you are healing from shoving a watermelon through a tiny hole in your body and your husband is not around to help afterwards.  But I always wanted my husband to help her when she needed help.

Do I need to ask for her forgiveness because I was never good enough for her?

I suppose I should just start asking everyone for their forgiveness just because I am too frank, too bold, too scary, too not Republican, too honest, too judgmental.

Can I let go and give this to God?  Will I just be willing to be willing to forgive her for her hurtful words and actions?

Just be willing...just be willing...just be willing.

Disappointment

It really hurts when you find out you are a disappointment to someone.  Especially family.

I have been a disappointment to my mother-in-law for over 27 years.  I have known this for years.  She did not want me to marry her son.  I have never been able to live up to her standards.  I have not played her games well.

I am now a disappointment to other family members....my own.  My dad, my brother.  Probably everyone. This hurts more than being a disappointment to my mother-in-law.

I am outspoken.  I am snarky.  I am....sad.  Sucks to be me.  But I put myself out there.  What did I expect?

WTF?

It is such a punch in the gut when you find out that what you thought was real is not real.  When you thought that someone was one way, but then you find out it is all a lie.  This has happened to me more than I care to really admit.  What is it about me that makes it so easy to lie to me?  How stoopid am I?  Or do I know they are lying, but I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but it still feels like a punch when I truly find out how crap shitty someone is.

Sucks to be me.

And that is okay.  I guess.

Daughter

Today my daughter is upset at me because I am not a helicopter mom.  Hmmmm.

I love her so much.