How do I forgive someone when they are dying? Is it a death bed forgiveness? Does it make it easier for them to die? Or does she really even care that she hurt me so much over the years with her manipulation and mean words and unspoken rules that I kept breaking? Should I ask for forgiveness because I have been angry at her for what she did to my husband when he was a child? Does it matter that my marriage and life could have been different if she had treated her son different than she did?
I know I need to forgive. I have been carrying this bitterness and anger toward her for years. I feel I have tried. I tried to be "The Best Daughter-in-Law in the World" for years. I inserted a suppository into her when she was ill. I cleaned her poopy adult diapers and made her food that she hated because she wouldn't tell me how she wanted it. I have kept my mouth shut when she would say things that were rude. I feel that I allowed her to ruin my relationships with my sisters-in-law because I let her say mean things about each of them and never found out if she was actually telling the truth. I said nothing to her when my husband was putting new roof on her house the day before I went into labor and the next week after I had the baby. It is not nice when you are healing from shoving a watermelon through a tiny hole in your body and your husband is not around to help afterwards. But I always wanted my husband to help her when she needed help.
Do I need to ask for her forgiveness because I was never good enough for her?
I suppose I should just start asking everyone for their forgiveness just because I am too frank, too bold, too scary, too not Republican, too honest, too judgmental.
Can I let go and give this to God? Will I just be willing to be willing to forgive her for her hurtful words and actions?
Just be willing...just be willing...just be willing.
2 comments:
I have followed your blog for a couple of years. We could not be two more different people. But there are always similarities, at least I think so. It isn't her forgiveness you need. You need to forgive yourself. I know, I've been there and have 20 different t-shirts to prove it. YOu are only human, and you will never be perfect. When I learned to accept that, it became a lot easier to just be me, and not worry about the rest, even when it came to my dogs. But not cats, because cats are the judgiest judgers of them all (yes, I did use made up words) Forgive yourself, the rest will happen on its own.
Thank you for your comments and feelings and thoughts.
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