Friday, May 19, 2017

The Big G

How can I be fine one moment and sobbing the next?

My brain says, "He's not dead."  That thought keeps the sadness away for a moment.

When will I feel "normal"?

How can I be so sad and yet live life?

It has been 5 months since Brannon's funeral.

Even when I am not thinking about him, I am thinking about him.

Grief.
Mental suffering, agony, anguish, , bereavement, despair, discomfort, gloom, heartache, heartbreak, melancholy, misery, trial, tribulation, vexation, wretchedness, bemoaning, bewailing, deploring, lamenting, repining, mourning, pain, regret, remorse, sadness, sorrow, trouble, unhappiness, woe, worry, affliction, care, dejection, depression, desolation, despondency, disquiet, distress, dole, dolor, grievance, lamentation, malaise, mournfulness, purgatory, rue, torture.

Peace.

Hope.

Love.

Memories.

Laughter.

Smiles.

Hugs.

Sadness.

Pain.


Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Grief...

Yesterday was five months.  Five months since our worlds were rocked with grief.

I enjoy the days that my brain thinks that Brannon is not dead.  My heart enjoys those days also.  But then the grief hits.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Grief Continued

I wish the numb would return.  Now the new normal for me is crying whenever, wherever.  School, stores, car, church, restaurants.

Grief

My son passed away.  He died on December 8, 2016 from a seizure.  He was 21 years old.  His name is Brannon.

I miss his hugs.  I miss the way he said, "Mom."  It sounded like a sheep.  I miss his laugh.  I miss him.

He had lived in Utah for two months, staying with my parents until he found full time work and worked on becoming an adult.    On November 29, my mother-in-law died.  My husband flew out on December 1 to Utah and my daughter and I flew out on that Saturday.  We spent Sunday, Monday and Tuesday with family and with Brannon.

He was helping clean out Grandma Amott's house.  He would stand by me and look down into my face.  He would hug me.  He teased his sister.  He got to know his cousins and aunts and uncles who my kids didn't know because we had moved to Minnesota and because my mother-in-law made visiting and getting to know family really hard.

After the funeral on Tuesday, December 6th, we ate lunch at the church.  Kelly, Dara and I had to leave early to get to the airport to fly home.  I asked Bran if he wanted to stay and visit with family when we left.  He thought about it and then looked at me and said, "No, I want to say goodbye to my family."  Did he know?  Did he feel that things were going to change?

Monday, November 28, 2016

How to forgive?

How do I forgive someone when they are dying?  Is it a death bed forgiveness?  Does it make it easier for them to die?  Or does she really even care that she hurt me so much over the years with her manipulation and mean words and unspoken rules that I kept breaking?  Should I ask for forgiveness because I have been angry at her for what she did to my husband when he was a child?  Does it matter that my marriage and life could have been different if she had treated her son different than she did?

I know I need to forgive.  I have been carrying this bitterness and anger toward her for years.  I feel I have tried.  I tried to be "The Best Daughter-in-Law in the World" for years.  I inserted a suppository into her when she was ill.  I cleaned her poopy adult diapers and made her food that she hated because she wouldn't tell me how she wanted it.  I have kept my mouth shut when she would say things that were rude.  I feel that I allowed her to ruin my relationships with my sisters-in-law because I let her say mean things about each of them and never found out if she was actually telling the truth. I said nothing to her when my husband was putting  new roof on her house the day before I went into labor and the next week after I had the baby.  It is not nice when you are healing from shoving a watermelon through a tiny hole in your body and your husband is not around to help afterwards.  But I always wanted my husband to help her when she needed help.

Do I need to ask for her forgiveness because I was never good enough for her?

I suppose I should just start asking everyone for their forgiveness just because I am too frank, too bold, too scary, too not Republican, too honest, too judgmental.

Can I let go and give this to God?  Will I just be willing to be willing to forgive her for her hurtful words and actions?

Just be willing...just be willing...just be willing.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Disappointment

It really hurts when you find out you are a disappointment to someone.  Especially family.

I have been a disappointment to my mother-in-law for over 27 years.  I have known this for years.  She did not want me to marry her son.  I have never been able to live up to her standards.  I have not played her games well.

I am now a disappointment to other family members....my own.  My dad, my brother.  Probably everyone. This hurts more than being a disappointment to my mother-in-law.

I am outspoken.  I am snarky.  I am....sad.  Sucks to be me.  But I put myself out there.  What did I expect?


Sunday, August 7, 2016

WTF?

It is such a punch in the gut when you find out that what you thought was real is not real.  When you thought that someone was one way, but then you find out it is all a lie.  This has happened to me more than I care to really admit.  What is it about me that makes it so easy to lie to me?  How stoopid am I?  Or do I know they are lying, but I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but it still feels like a punch when I truly find out how crap shitty someone is.

Sucks to be me.

And that is okay.  I guess.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Daughter

Today my daughter is upset at me because I am not a helicopter mom.  Hmmmm.

I love her so much.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

88 Important Truths


Found at Raptitude.com

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/5tvgBQ/:CF5vGZvt:Mz+MbE8S/www.raptitude.com/2009/07/88-important-truths-ive-learned-about-life


Everyone gets drilled with certain lessons in life. Sometimes it takes repeated demonstrations of a given law of life to really get it into your skull, and other times one powerful experience drives the point home once forever. Here are 88 things I’ve discovered about life, the world, and its inhabitants by this point in my short time on earth.
1. You can’t change other people, and it’s rude to try.
2. It is a hundred times more difficult to burn calories than to refrain from consuming them in the first place.
3. If you’re talking to someone you don’t know well, you may be talking to someone who knows way more about whatever you’re talking about than you do.
4. The cheapest and most expensive models are usually both bad deals.
5. Everyone likes somebody who gets to the point quickly.
6. Bad moods will come and go your whole life, and trying to force them away makes them run deeper and last longer.
7. Children are remarkably honest creatures until we teach them not to be.
8. If everyone in the TV show you’re watching is good-looking, it’s not worth watching.
9. Yelling always makes things worse.
10. Whenever you’re worried about what others will think of you, you’re really just worried about what you’ll think of you.
11. Every problem you have is your responsibility, regardless of who caused it.
13. If you never doubt your beliefs, then you’re wrong a lot.
14. Managing one’s wants is the most powerful skill a person can learn.
15. Nobody has it all figured out.
16. Cynicism is far too easy to be useful.
17. Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours.
18. Whenever you hate something, it hates you back: people, situations and inanimate objects alike.
19. Ralph Waldo Emerson’s works alone can teach you everything you need to know about living with grace and happiness.
20. People embellish everything, as a rule.
21. Anger reveals weakness of character, violence even moreso.
22. Humans cannot destroy the planet, but we can destroy its capacity to keep us alive.  And we are.
23. When people are uncomfortable with the present moment, they fidget with their hands or their minds.  Watch and see.
24. Those who complain the most, accomplish the least.
25. Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.
26. Credit card debt devours souls.
27. Nobody knows more than a minuscule fraction of what’s going on in the world. It’s just way too big for any one person to know it well.
28. Most of what we see is only what we think about what we see.
29. A person who is unafraid to present a candid version of herself to the world is as rare as diamonds.
30. The most common addiction in the world is the draw of comfort. It wrecks dreams and breaks people.
31. If what you’re doing feels perfectly safe, there is probably a better course of action.
32. The greatest innovation in the history of humankind is language.
33. Blame is the favorite pastime of those who dislike responsibility.
34. Everyone you meet is better than you at something.
35. Proof is nothing but a collection of opinions that match your own.
36. Knowledge is belief, nothing more.
38. What makes human beings different from animals is that animals can be themselves with ease.
39. Self-examination is the only path out of misery.
40. Whoever you are, you will die. To know and understand that means you are alive.
41. Revenge is for the petty and irresponsible.
42. Getting truly organized can vastly improve anyone’s life.
43. Almost every cliché contains a truth so profound that people have been compelled to repeat it until it makes you roll your eyes. But the wisdom is still in there.
44. People cause suffering when they are suffering themselves. Alleviating their suffering will help them not hurt others.
45. High quality is worth any quantity, in possessions, friends and experiences.
46. The world would be a better place if everyone read National Geographic.
47. If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship.
48. Even if it costs no money, nothing is free if it takes time.
49. Emotions exist to make us strongly biased towards or against something. This hinders as often as it helps.
50. Addiction is a much greater problem in society than it’s made out to be. It’s present in every person in various forms, but usually we call it something else.
51. “Gut feeling” is not just a euphemism. Tension in the abdomen speaks volumes about how you truly feel about something, beyond all arguments and rationales.
52. Posture and dress change profoundly how you feel about yourself and how others feel about you, like it or not.
53. Everyone thinks they’re an above average driver.
54. The urge to punish others has much more to do with venting frustration than correcting behavior.
55. By default, people think far too much.
56. If anything is worth splurging on, it’s a high-quality mattress. You’ll spend a third of your life using it.
57. There is nothing worse than having no friends.
58. To write a person off as worthless is an act of great violence.
59. Try as we might to be otherwise, we are all hypocrites.
60. Justice is a human invention which is in reality rarely achievable, but many will not hesitate to destroy lives demanding it.
61. Kids will usually understand exactly what you mean if you keep it to one or two short sentences.
62. Stuff that’s on sale usually has an annoying downside.
63. Casual swearing makes people sound dumb.
64. Words are immensely powerful. One cruel remark can wound someone for life.
65. It’s easy to make someone’s day just by being uncommonly pleasant to them.
66. Most of what children learn from their parents isn’t taught on purpose.
67. The secret ingredient is usually butter, in obscene amounts.
68. It is worth re-trying foods that you didn’t like at first.
69. Problems, when they arise, are rarely as painful as the experience of fearing them.
70. Nothing — ever — happens exactly like you pictured it.
71. North Americans are generally terrible at accepting compliments and offers of help.
72. There are not enough women in positions of power. The world has suffered from this deficit for a long time.
73. When you break promises to yourself, you feel terrible. When you make a habit of it, you begin to hate yourself.
74. A good nine out of ten bad things I’ve worried about never happened. A good nine out of ten bad things that did happen never occurred to me to worry about.
75. You can’t hide a bad mood from people who know you well, but you can always be polite.
76. Sometimes you have to remove certain people from your life, even if they’re family.
77. Anyone can be calmed in an instant by looking at the ocean or the stars.
78. There is no point finishing a book you aren’t enjoying. Life is too short for that. Swallow your pride and put it down for good, unfinished.
79. There is no correlation between the price of a brand of batteries and how long they last.
80. Breaking new ground only takes a small amount more effort than you’re used to giving.
81. Life is a solo trip, but you’ll have lots of visitors. Some of them are long-term, most aren’t.
82. One of the best things you can do for your kids is take them on road trips. I’m not a parent, but I was a kid once.
83. The fewer possessions you have, the more they do for you.
84. Einstein was wiser than he was intelligent, and he was a genius.
85. When you’re sick of your own life, that’s a good time to pick up a book.
86. Wishing things were different is a great way to torture yourself.
87. The ability to be happy is nothing other than the ability to come to terms withhow things change.
88. Killing time is an atrocity. It’s priceless, and it never grows back.